Have a few extra minutes on your hands, read Surfing
Yesterday morning I decided to hit my little bookstore up while I was in Santa Monica. I need get my surf rag fix on. Like a dumbass, I let my subscriptions run out while I was ‘away’. At the shelf I grab copies of Transworld, Surfer and Surfing magazines. At the register I notice I only have ten bucks left in my wallet. Fucking great. I can only buy one now. Decisions, decisions….
Surfer magazine used to be the kool shit man. Surfer has become about as kool as walking in on your grandmother going down on your grandfather. Maybe I’m still pissed about THIS… But they do have Shea Lopez. For those of you fuckers who aren’t in the know, Shea was a pro tour surfer and will be surfing for another 40 years… at least. He is a unique character as he fluently speaks 5 languages. The man is constantly in his second home of Costa Rica. To be honest, I think he is actually in the CIA. Who spends that much time out of the country and speaks that many languages? Occasionally Lopez will also do some color commentary during different surfing events. The guy is good and has a promising future at that. He solely organized the Surfers Union. He runs it better than Hoffa ever could.
What does Transworld Surf have going for it…. Chris Cote… Cote is as cute as a gummy bear. The guy is like that fucking energizer bunny man. He is the opposite of Rob Machado. I really don’t understand his job at Transworld but the guy has a passion for surfing. He would also fit in well at Surfing Magazine. Don’t let the glasses fool you as Cote is a bad motherfucker man. He has a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and almost made it as a cage fighter. His weakness for blood made him bail on that idea. He is like in the surfing mafia.
So what is it that makes Surfing Magazine so hip? Three things they do right…
A Fidel Castro approach to leadership
Surfing Magazine is the crème de la crème. It’s lead by the mysterious Travis Ferre. Travis has a knack for being a little rebellious. He runs the show his way because he can. Ferre thinks everyone else’s ideas are stupid. He has the final say and he knows it. He is Surfing’s evil Puppet Master. I do know that Travis’ idol is Hugh Hefner. Not the 8 Viagra pill popping Hefner but the Hef of the 60’s & 70’s era. The kool Hef. Travis walks around the Surfing office in a red smoking jacket with a pipe dangling from his lips. He makes everyone call him Tref. His employees make faces behind his back. He doesn’t know this.
Travis’ understudy is Stuart Cornuelle. Stuart is a 100% yes man. When Ferre calls in sick because of being hung over, Stuart secretly goes through Travis’s desk draws. Stuart’s sole job at Surfing is to break up fights between Lewis and Chas. His usually tries to send them both to timeout. Cornuelle also likes to binge drink with Associate Editor Taylor Paul (Yes, Mr. Paul has two first names. So fuck off about it.) during lunch hours when Travis is out of town. Stuart is also president of the So Cal Creed Fan Club. He’s never missed a concert.
Not only do these two fuck off a lot, they somehow put together a damn good magazine.
Photographs that would make Salvador Dali weep
Surfing has the best photo crew in the surf rag industry. Period. Running that show is Peter Taras. His job to make sure everything’s pretty. He goes through each and every picture like a guy with OCD. Then you have Jimmy Wilson. He is the assistant to the assistant photo editor. Ok, I couldn’t resist that one. Jimmicane may have one of the best jobs in the surfing industry. Yes, the rolli polli from Saint Johns County didn’t attend the Florida School of the Deaf and Blind fuckers. Yes Jimmy… I do know the area and know it well. I was surfing Crossroads, Blow Hole, Gate Station and a little Vilano before it was hip brother. Maybe one of the biggest claims to fame for Jimmicane was a photo shoot with Alana Blanchard. What a fucking fuck. How lucky can one bastard get in a lifetime? Fuck I hate him! Give me a shout and I will buy you a cold one at the Conch House and you can tell me more about your work with the Princess. His does take some amazing pictures. We have also taken some amazing shots at him in the past. But Pete and Jimmy ensure that Surfing’s photos kick everyone’s ass on a monthly basis.
More drama than an episode of 16 & Pregnant
Yes, the entertainment value is great. You have the ongoing Vaudeville routine of Chas Smith & Lewis Samuels. These guys are masters of stirring shit up. What sick fuck these two are. To see the interaction between these two monkeys is as fun as watching a couple of retarded three year olds sword fight. Something bad will always happen… One is going to lose an eye and the other will get pee’d on.
With Chas, he gets threats of ass kickings on a weekly basis. Whether it is Fucknutz Fanning going ape shit at Pipe on him or Bobby Martinez getting his panties in wad, Smith adores drama. Or maybe it’s that drama just adores Chas. He now walks around with a shank in his back pocket “just in case”.
If you’ve been cruising online surfing world over the last few years, you would know who the most hated man in surfing is. Lewis ‘Club Foot’ Samuels is really the person who infamously popularized the hating of pro surfers online. That and heterosexual bashing. Lewis started it all. He often wrote with words that contained more than two syllables which confused many in his audience. He wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind. He got punched in the eye one time from Adriano de Souza for calling him a ‘Small Little Pecker. Or something like that. To this day, Da Hui still holds a $13 bounty on Lewis’ head.
My Surfing Magazine nosedive
I called Travis eleven times last week. I have sent him an ass load ‘creative’ stories that they could run in their mag. Totally gratis! No response back. I even figured that we would definitely get some press once we launch our epic surf flick, Surf Animals. That was a big negative dude. Fuck man, they put all kinds of other shit in there and their website but mine… nada.
The bottom line, Surfing is a solid magazine. If you find yourself having to make a decision between the three surf rags and you only have ten bucks in your velcro wallet, then make it Surfing Magazine. You’ll get your monies worth and then some.
I so want to work at Surfing. I could mop the blood up from the fighting! Or something.