I was in Mexico a few weeks back and I found a little secret spot. I was cruising along the Mexican highway in my buddy’s VW camper van. It was beautiful out. I was cranking Led Zeppelin on his 8-track and one speaker that was laying on the passenger floorboard. I had two choices for music. Slim Whitman or Led. What the fuck was he doing with a Slim Whitman tape anyways? I thought about tossing it out the window and filming it but I chose not to. He was cool to lend me his ride for a few days so I lived with Slim. Just didn’t play it. The Led tape would only play Black Dog. I listened to Black Dog 533 times.

I was chasing a story about former Governor Jesse Ventura and how he got into surfing. You do know that the guy surfs just about every day when he‘s at his Mexico casa. Jesse the Body has been surfing for years. I wanted to see his boards. See his break. Surf with him.

So I’m driving along, minding my own business when the fucking VW ate shit on me. The VW was deader than Bob Hope’s pecker. I was stuck on the road in a little spot on the beach about 20 miles north of Primo Tapia. Oops, so much for being a secret.

There were gorgeous lefts that were pumping for two solid day man. It was the middle of the week and not another fucker surfing anywhere. I took full advantage of that shit. Well, I really didn’t have much of a choice. Remember, deader than Bob Hope’s tallywhacker.

The town was pretty quiet during the day. Locals would walk down to the beach and fish. Some kids were throwing rocks at passing trucks. The town looked like some poverty stricken town that you’d see on PBS. No fucking cell signal. I didn’t have a bat phone. Nada. Nothing. But, I was cool. Surf was cranking and I had a place to crash in the evenings. Things weren’t too bad. Just didn’t know how to fix his van. Shit, didn’t even know what broke on it.

Mexican Princess

From the first day there, something stood out. There was always this woman dressed kind of hot standing in front of this store. I mean, kind of Thailand-Hookerishly hot. I mean, the kind of girl you can bring home to daddy. I mean, then kind you wouldn’t bring home to momma. Reminded me of the girls who stand in front of the topless clubs on Bourbon street in New Orleans trying to get you inside. Each day, she would yell at me, “Amigo, are you a surfer?”. The first couple of days, I ignored her. Figured she wanted to earn a couple pesos. I just wanted to surf and fix the van.

I surfed all day and got my drink on in the evenings at this little shack called El Gallo Azul. I think it means my red cock. Or maybe it means my blue balls. It’s something like that. Anyway, it’s basically a couple of picnic tables set up in someone’s front yard. They serve two things; watered down beer and cold hotdogs. The beer was a 2 for 1 special. I think they would water down one beer until they could make two beers out of it. It was either that or me sitting my happy ass in the camper and drinking my Aqua Velva. And the hotdogs were ice cold man. Like, the little Mexican kids were standing in line waiting on that shit as if it were ice cream bars.

On my third day, I woke up hung-over as shit. I don’t remember a fucking thing. I noticed that my Aqua Velva was empty. Damn the luck. It was going to be a long day. I got up and there she was again. It’s fucking 7am and the Mexican princess is at the ‘office’ already.

“Hey Amigo. You gonna surf again today” she yelled across the street. I would just ignore her again. I was going for a quick surf and spend the rest of the day trying to get back on the road. “Hey Ammmiiiigggooooo.”. Aww shit, she was coming across the street straight to me. Now what? No place to hide.

“Hey Mr. Surfer, are you going for another surf?” Umm, yeah.

“So you live here now?” Umm, no.
“Why are you sleeping in this truck every night? I watched Lucio carry you back to your truck last night” It broke down. Lucio?

“Do you like fish?” What? Who’s Lucio?

“He is mi padre. He is standing across the street in front of our family’s store” Your father?!?!

(Her father looked like he was about 6’ 7” and a good 325lbs. Kind of like a shaved down Bigfoot)

“Yes, do you wanna buy my fish?” Isn’t it a little early to be selling your goods honey?

“No. The surfers always buy my fish early in the morning. It’s the best time.” Really?

“Yes, if you buy my fish then I will tell mi padre and he will make you a happy surfer!” What? I wasn’t born yesterday honey. The day before maybe, but not yesterday. Beside, if I buy your fish your padre will kill me.

“No he wouldn’t. He would be a little sad. He likes my fish too. I let him ride my fish whenever he wants. He created it so it is also partly his.” Holy shit! That’s fucking twisted.

I am ready to tell the Mexican princess to fuck-off and then she turns and yells for her father. Ok, now I’m getting nervous. I am going to get crushed. I screwed either way. I am going to get beaten down like a Mexican hooker. Wait, that wasn’t even funny!

Lucio walks inside the store for a moment. He’s probably going to get a gun. No, he’s is going to get a bat. He wants to beat me to death with a bat. Shit shit shit!

I ask her if we can work something out. She just looks at me and smiles. That was the eeriest smile that I have ever seen.

“Today is going to be your lucky day Mr. Surfer!” Umm, wait a minute.

The next thing I hear is this deep loud voice a few feet behind me. I’m just about at the point where urine is going to run down my leg. I turn and look…

“Here you go Mr. Surfer!” Her father is holding a beautiful 5’4” fish. A handcrafted quad. It was the sweetest thing that I have ever seen in my life.

“Mi Padre also fixed your truck last night. You battery was no good so he took one out of his truck. So do you wanna buy my fish?” I would love to buy your fish.

That surfboard is the greatest board I have ever owned…

VW & The Fish

~RS

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