Bob Crane

“Robert Edward Crane was born in Waterbury, Connecticut on July 13th, 1928. In his early teens, he was demonstrating musical talent and had set his sights on becoming a drummer, fantasizing about becoming the next Buddy Rich. At age sixteen, he began drumming for the Connecticut Symphony Orchestra, but was let go after two years for “clowning around during a Bach Fugue.” ~Reel Reviews

The Gentleman Crane

The story about being “let go” went down like this, Robert got a woody looking at the female Oboist’s tits. Maybe fantasizing that the Oboe she was fingering and blowing was his cock. Bob was trying to play the Timpani and jack off at the same time playing a Bach Fugue with the orchestra. This wasn’t the first Libido flare up for the young drummer, but what the fuck? Bob would become Waterbury Connecticut’s most famous sitcom star playing the Hogan’s Hero’s character, Colonel Robert Hogan. Bob was also (as far back as the Revolutionary War times) Waterbury’s horniest citizen.

Maybe Bob just liked sex and was what people would call a swinger. If he wanted to fuck three woman a night with his buddy John Carpenter joining in the romp, and get shit faced on cocaine and tequila while video tapping it all, I would say he is living out allot of people’s fantasies. I once ran into Peter Fonda in Mexico and asked him what his dream was and he said “to have a different woman every night”. Why can Hugh Hefner, Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty, Wilt Chamberlin and Steve McQueen fuck thousands of women without getting crucified for it like Bob Crane did and they call these dudes playboys, not sex maniacs.

“Bob once told me that his earliest memory was when he was three, laying [sic] on the sidewalk trying to look up the skirt of a neighbor girl who was practicing tap dancing.” ~Patricia Crane
Bob was already married at the time he was shit canned from the Connecticut Symphony so he needed to find work too support his old lady. With his love of performance and music he was lucky to find a job as a DJ at WLEA, Hornell, (Hornyville) NY. Bob spent the next five years career climbing and honing his chops. He was a hugely talented artist, as well as being a tremendously charming guy. He was a natural standup comic and he “seduced” many celebrity guests for interviews on his show. Finally he got a job in the performance capital of the world as DJ on KNX, LA. They called him “The king of the LA airwaves”. He was hanging around with Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, Gene Barry, Steve McQueen and other big shots. Later these connections helped him to get roles on TV.

“Pornography was a major pastime… He also liked to brag about how many women he bedded. The terms he used to describe them were often crude and showed a sad tendency to dehumanize his sexual partners. After the demise of Hogan’s Heroes, that powerful sexual interest seemed to cross the line into outright sexual addiction. He was insatiable in his desire for as many different women as possible. Fond of group sex, he often left nightclubs with two or three women at a time. He was also into dominance and submission, visited a dominatrix, and financed the building of “dungeons” — rooms devoted to bondage and discipline — in the homes of some of his friends.” ~The Crime Lab (as printed in the CWA blog)

The preceding paragraph is a direct quote from a article written about Bob Crane, posted on the Concerned Women of America blog (also known as CWA). CWA is a group of dried up old cunts and lesbians who are Evangelic Christians and John Birchers. Bob was the CWAs, and other puritan groups, poster boy for sexual madness, and their favorite punk. He was crucified by the CWA and the puritans as part of a witch hunt. He was accused of being a sex maniac, the article reads like any yellow journalism with yellow words and phrases straight out of the 40s. Stuff like “sex maniac”, “he was insatiable” or “fond of group sex “. The most outrageous right wing bullshit was the claim that Bob financed the building of underground dungeons? The accusation as innuendo implies that Bob Crane was funding the building of underground bomb shelters that could be used in the civil war between the sex maniacs and the puritans. “Bob Crane is a menace to society, Lord help us if our young people begin to emulate his sexual perversions, he is a follower of Satan”. The only thing Bob was guilty of was that he liked to fuck and party every night.

Bobs fame and self promotion on his radio show at KNX in LA helped him to land a bit part on the Twilight Zone. He then landed a semi-recurring part on the Dick Van Dyke Show. But as luck would have it, he auditioned and got a recurring role on the Donna Reed show as the family doctor, Dr. David Kelsey. What happened to Bob at this point lays the ground work for his crucifixion and eventual murder by the puritans.

“Interestingly, although the character (Dr. David Kelsey) was intended to be recurring, CBS had the character axed after just one appearance. The reason was MPAA censors found Crane’s charming and flirtatious Kelsey “too suggestive” for a family sitcom. If the show’s prim and pristine housewife, Donna Stone, was going to have chemistry with anyone, it was going to be with Alex Stone, her conservative pediatrician husband, played by Carl Betz.” ~Turner Classic Movies Blog

Crane had a hard on for Donna Reed. The censors (The John Birch controlled Motion Picture Association of America or MPAA) were on Bob from the get-go. Of course the dickless and asexual old farts of the MPAA always wanted the conservative guy to get the girl. Beatniks or liberals, like Maynard G. Grebes on the Dobby Gillis Show never got the girl on TV, liberals were portrayed as eunuch clowns, not taken seriously, just window dressing. So the MPAA goons had Bob shit canned because of his overt sexuality towards the pristine and all American Donna Reed.

In 1965 Crane auditioned for and got the starring role for a radical new form of comedy sitcom set in a in a POW camp in Germany during World War II. Hogan’s Heroes was one of the most successful sitcoms in television history. Bob got the lead role as Colonel Hogan. The plot was about the comically absurd interactions between allied prisoners and Nazi guards. One stand out character was Sergeant Shultz, a fat klutz always falling over himself and reassuring Hogan that he wouldn’t tell the Commandant by saying ” I knooooo noothinnng”. Bob was fucking the Germanic blond, Cynthia Lynn who played Colonel Klink’s secretary in the sitcom. Most likely Bob and Cynthia had to hide when screwing in his trailer, on the set, because they both were married. The show was so popular that the MPAA censors couldn’t pull the plug on Bob this time. Crane won two Emmys in the six years that Hogan’s Heroes was on TV. Bob was more than a sex maniac; he was an extremely talented comedic actor.

“Well-suited to stardom, Crane reveled in his newfound fame. Indulging in the perks of celebrity – as well as the many temptations that came with it, Crane became a frequent guest at Hugh Hefner’s Hollywood mansion, where he developed a passion for sexual hedonism. Fascinated by sex all his life, especially in its kinkier forms, Crane’s carnal obsessions quickly developed into an insatiable sexual hunger that would eventually destroy his marriage and, in the end, his very life”. ~TCM blog

I can hear the puritan voices in the paragraph from the TCM blog. “Insatiable sexual hunger that would end up taking his life”. What? Are the puritans saying that screwing leads to death? Bob Crane didn’t die from fucking; he was strangled and beaten to death.

In 1973 Hogan’s Heroes was cancelled because of network voodoo, the show was still popular, but the freaks that run TV and get paid millions for their “genius”, trashed the show. The gods of the network decided they wanted to attract younger viewers and a new demographic. Apparently a survey found that teenagers in the Midwest spent more money on candy bars and pop than adults. Since the audience of Hogan’s Heroes were adults who didn’t spend much on candy and pop, Hogan’s Heroes was replaced by Dick Clark or maybe Bozo the fucking Clown. It was another victory for the puritans in their war to stop Satan. “This old boy had no ‘family values’. During the time of the Donna Reed show, when the puritans found out about all the swinging Bob was doing they began to feel that he was creating a bad image for the right wing Hollywood industry. So the MPAA put a private dick on Bob’s ass and he was followed for the rest of his short life. Hogan’s Heroes was shit canned as a result. The puritans had a super sized hard on for Bob Crane. Bob was of course bummed out about the canceling of Hogan’s Heroes and his career went downhill from then on.

The film “Auto Focus” about Bob Cranes sex life and his relationship with John Carpenter (a loser video equipment salesman who met Bob about the time he left Hogan’s Heroes). These partying dudes, Bob and John, had two things in common; they both loved orgies and were interested in the latest video technology to film the action. Throw in a dash of cocaine and some shots of tequila and you got a mix. John would use Bob’s falling star to pick up broads, strippers, bored housewives and star fuckers. Auto Focus failed to show the human side of Bob Crane and of course only portrayed him as a sex maniac and a loser. The plot line was right out of the mouth of the conservative Hollywood industry. People like Ronald Reagan, Adolph Coors and John Wayne didn’t want adolescent Christian youth to become sex maniacs like Bob Crane. It is interesting that Bob had two sons and one wouldn’t talk about his father’s “activities” to the writers of Auto Focus. The other blew his cookies to the writers. The kid sold his old man’s soul for a lousy twenty grand.

After Hogan’s Heroes Bob made a couple of stupid Disney movie flops. Then the Judases finally had him were they wanted him and black-balled Bob from Hollywood all together. So he had to play summer stock theater to make a living.

In June of 1978 Bob was in Scottsdale Arizona touring with the play “Beginner’s Luck” appearing at the square and old fashioned Windmill Dinner Theater. This was strictly for the over 60 set who listened to Johnny Mathis and Andy Williams. The hip people in 78 were listening to The Rolling Stones, John Lennon and Lou Reed, Bob was a dinosaur by this time.

On the night of June 28th, Bob and John picked up two women at the Safari Night Club. John Carpenter took one of the women to room 206 at the Sunburst Resort. It was a block away from where Crane was staying at the Winfield apartments. Bob had come back to his apartment from the Safari Night Club alone.

The next day Bob had a early appointment to see Victoria Berry at his place. When she arrived she knocked on the door and found it was unlocked. She let herself in and found Bob lying in bed with his skull crushed by a missing camera tripod. His head looked like a caved in watermelon, hammered so bad that you couldn’t tell who he was. After smashing the shit out of Bob’s head, the killer strangled him with an electric cord (this is overkill in my book). The police said that this was a well planned killing which usually is associated with professional killers, like Mafia hit men.

I believe that the murder of Bob Crane was paid for by the Motion Picture Association of America, and condoned by other conservative groups such as the John Birch Society, CWA and the Evangelics. They had wanted to get rid of the Satan possessed Bob Crane for a long time. The plan was to get a professional hitman and then lay the rap on John Carpenter. This was totally bogus because Carpenter was a wimp and could never carry out anything like it. Carpenter was later acquitted of the murder and denied to his dying day that he killed his friend Bob.

Crane's Last Romp?

Further proof that Bob’s murder was a paid for Mafia hit was that a tampered valve stem had caused a flat tire on his car which he discovered when leaving the playhouse after his last performance. This was intended to strand Bob for a hit in a remote location, but he changed the tire and went to the Safari Night Club. Also, the intensity of his wounds forensically indicates that the impact had to be delivered by a very powerful person. Could it have been a huge, fat, greasy wop that went by the name “LUIGI”?

In closing, Bob’s death was a victory for puritans everywhere in their battle against Satan. Secondly the Motion Picture Association of America cleansed the Hollywood industries image clearing the way for Ronald Reagan to win the Presidential election a couple years later.

Why did the puritans crucify Bob Crane? Maybe it was just bad karma for Waterbury Connecticut’s horniest citizen (as far back as Revolutionary war times).

~Victor Burgandy

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