This is yours truly during one of DR's famous 'Don't Ask - Don't Tell' weekend benders. We were often forced, uh I mean 'asked' to be team players in role playing games. Derek loved to have me act out 'drunk gay sailor in the street' role..

“Es gibt keinen Trost in der Wahrheit, Schmerz ist alles, was Sie finden werden” is tattooed in our asses. It’s German. It’s DR’s quote. And It says “There’s no comfort in truth, pain is all you’ll find“. And it hurt like hell!

My phone rings. It’s 4am. A quick glance shows me an Australian number. Fucking great… it’s DR….

DR, for those who don’t know, is Derek Rielly from Stab Magazine. A surf-porn magazine of sorts. DR is the self-appointed leader of the underground surf world. Rielly is…. the Boss. He has the power of Al Capone. He has the attitude of John Gotti. He has the mind of Meyer Lansky. And, he has the penis of a Mexican donkey.

Derek Rielly - Could he be the most powerful man in surfing?

DR: Mr. Demon? Are you working now?
Me: Derek, it’s 4am in the fucking morning here!

DR: Seriously, I have something that I want you to work on. It will turn the entire surf industry upside down.
Me: I’m listening….

DR controls more than you will ever know. Why did Lewis Samuels close up shop on PostSurf.com? DR said too. Rielly controls many facets of the surf world. Magazines. Blogs. Fashion Trends. He even has a few pro surfers in his pocket. But, he will deny it all. The word ‘Denied’ is tattooed on DR’s ass.

Secret Surfer

He told one pro surfer who’s name is will not be released here….

DR: Quit the ASP. Go and surf the world and we will call it Free Surfing. Better yet, we shall call it Pro Free Surfing.
Pro Surfer: A Pro Free Surfer? How will I make money? How will I survive?

DR: I will pull your strings. I will pull them soft and hard. I will pull them slow and fast. I will suc….
Pro Surfer: Derek! You’re freaking me out brah…

Rielly plans. He plots. He strategizes as if he is at war. He issues our weekly orders as if it were our prison work assignments. He may ask a blogger to write an atrocious review of a new surf flick coming out. He may have one of his surfers act out in public. Derek likes to cause confusion. He likes to create clusterfucks.

One of his favorite quotes… “What is important is to spread confusion, not eliminate it.” — Salvador Dali

Charlie Smith deep undercover near Bali covering a story for Stab Magazine. Notice the Dolce shirt and matching jacket. Even undercover, Smith remains trendy.

If DR is surfing’s Hitler minus the hot ovens, then Charlie Smith would be his Rommel minus the bad haircut. Chas is DR’s golden boy.

Smith has the looks of Errol Flynn. The charm of Ted Bundy. The covertness of Richard Ramirez. The brawn of John Dillinger. The penis of a dwarf goat. But, he has the balls that mirror that of an elephant. In high school, Chas was called…. ‘Chas with balls the size of an elephant Smith’.

The only person who can drink as much as DR is Chas. I spent a weekend in Baha, Mexico with Chas. We drank until we told each other that we loved one another. We danced in the rain. We took turns lapping margaritas out of one anothers belly buttons. If you ever run into CS, ask him about ‘frozen churros’.

Derek uses Chas like he masturbates. Fast and hard. Chas’ has one mission. To get inside information. He adapts. He blends in. He deceives. Yes, he arm wrestled Brodie Carr in Portugal. People think he has caved. Bullshit. It’s all part of his mission. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” Sun-tzu

Jed Smith... Yes, this is from another one of Derek's 'meeting'...

And then there’s Jed Smith. Jed is the Techno Wizard for DR. Want a picture of Mick transformed into Eugene? Call Jed. Need a website hacked into? Jed’s your guy. Al Gore didn’t invent the internet! Jed did! Smith was formerly a member of the old KGB and handled all of their electronic issues. Jed is also the comment police. He keeps all of us in check. Don’t fuck with Jed or your golden comment will be scrapped. Jed also has a mean side. I’ve seen him get pissed off at a guy at a bar in Brazil once. Some tool looked at Smith the wrong way and then wham! Jed broke a fucking beer bottle over his head. KTFO!

There are a load of other people that have their hands in this game. Many other sites. The comments that you see on these surf sites. Really, it is only two people and I do have their sites listed on our links page. You will just have to find them.

Jed from Stab is leading our normal monthly meeting. Derek really likes the uniforms and tells us that it will put fear in the non-believers

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