BREAKING Xtreme Surf Tour Announced XSA

Xtreme Surfing Association

August 24, 2009 – Dubai
Xtreme Surf Association

For Official Release:

Say goodbye to boring surfing contests with inefficient heats. Bid farewell to ongoing lay-days and unfair judging. Say hello to the Xtreme Surf Association. “We are here to kick ‘Boring’ squarely in the nuts! Fuck the boring ass ASP fuckers! Fuck Slater’s new rebel drivel league!” Said XSA CEO & President and Marketing Genius, Samir Shoozien during XSA’s kick-off press conference in Dubai. Dubai is listed as the world headquarters for the XSA.

Samir Shoozien is a 25 year old investor who is into extreme sports, high fashion and beautiful women. Some call him spoiled because of his multi-billion dollar oil wealth. Samir resides in Las Vegas, Oahu, Dubai, South Africa and sometimes in the South of France.

Samir Shoozien

The XSA has secured 5-year worldwide cable contract from the WET Network. AKA, White Entertainment Television. (Owned by Samir’s family)

XSA has also locked up major sponsorships with Boner Jeans, Lefty’s One-Nut Surf Wax and Jizzon Sunscreen.

Boner Jeans Co.

Boner Jeans – The Boner Jeans company is the world’s largest jean manufacturer for both men and women’s apparel. Boner Jeans, whether you wear them or look at them, you’ll always get a Boner.

Lefty's One Nut Wax

Lefty’s One Nut Surf Wax – Jamie ‘Lefty’ Bumple was an original member of the North Shore’s infamous Black Shorts society. Jamie was called ‘Lefty’ after an underwater accident with a Morey eel while diving at Black Rock in Maui. Soon after, Lefty came up with One Nut product line. Get it on your stick and keep it on your stick with Lucky’s One Nut Surf Wax.

Jizzon Sunscreen

Jizzon – Jizzon Sunscreen is world known for its protection against the sun’s rays. If you’re going to come out, don’t forget to put Jizzon yourself.

Shoozien goes on to explain “The XSA is going to take Pro Surfing to the next level. No, fuck that man. The XSA is going to take Pro Surfing to outerspace man.” When asked for the details of the XSA Shoozien said it would be “… a combination of UFC meets the NHL meets the ASP”.

What makes XSA different than the current ASP or even Slater/ESPN’s upcoming Rebel Surf League? According to Shoozien, “… all kinds of shit dude”.

We were able to get a little more information out of Mr. Shoozien when the cameras were turned off. Here are some of the points of difference:

• There will be a total of 16 Pro Surfers that will be under XSA contracts. Base salary for an XSA Surfer will be $250,000 per year

• Surfer must have been ‘Free Pro Surfers’ over the last two years

• No more ‘Lay Days’. All XSA Surfers will be on standby 24-7. Surfers have a 48hr window to appear at whichever location the contest is called to due swell conditions

• In order for a surfer to score points in a heat, he must hit one air trick. Not an attempt, but a make. No Air = No Points

• Nudity is counted double. Running a heat with your boardshorts at your ankles = Score x 2

• Combat can come into play as another bonus. Knock your competitor off of his board during his heat = Score x 3. Knock your competitor out of the event = Score x 4

• Fashion & Style will also play a part. Come to the event is shitty boardshorts or ride an ugly board = Lose half of your event score

• Event Scoring will now use two methods to tabulate event winners.

*First will be the same texting system that is utilized for American Idol judging.

*Second will consist of a lottery ball system with 10 balls numbered 1 through 10. Three balls will come up and the total of those three balls will be the competitors lottery score for his heat.

*There are also two additional balls called ‘Threat Balls’. If a Red or Black ‘Threat Ball’ pops up during scoring, the surfer will be penalized. Red ball means the surfer must surf blindfolded during his next heat. Black ball means No boardshorts for the next heat. (gaining female viewership)

• Scoring for final heat will be comprised of 100% viewer text voting

• One last twist will be that the lowest scoring surfer of the event can call out the winner of the event for a Dojo Challenge. The Dojo Challenge will consist of two 3 minute rounds in the Octagon. If the challenger submits the winner in the Octagon, they will switch final positions of the event.

Shoozien concludes “The XSA will change the way that surfing is viewed by everyone. It will be exciting to watch on television. It will be exciting to read about. We will take the fucking drivel out of it man.”

The XSA will have 15 events throughout the year with the first event to be held in Northern Morocco at Doura during the month of September.

The XSA has not officially announced the Surfers in their league but we have been able to confirm a couple.

Jimmy ‘Streaker’ Bronson – South African: The ‘Streaker’ was the first man to ever surf both Mavericks and Pipe nude, on the same day. Streaker father coined the phrase ‘Hanging Ten’ but as the Streaker tells the story, “Shits got nothing to do with hanging ten toes off the front of your board if you know what I mean!?!?!”

Micky ‘Frog Legs’ O’Steen – Ireland: ‘Frog Legs’ basically invented Combat Surf. After putting up with years of being Jap’ed while in the ‘lineup’ at his favorite spot, he came up with ways around it. He started surfing with a slingshot in the pocket of his boardshorts. He also carried a dozen or so brass balls in a pouch around his neck. As soon as he was cut-off, out came the slingshot and ball. Wham, surfer down, problem solved.

Vinnie ‘Big Ballz’ Santioni: Big Balls is from Brooklyn, New York. BB only learned to surf while on vacation at the Jersey Shore three years ago. Surfing came naturally to Vinnie as did his nick name. Although his is pretty fearless, he also has an unusually large set of testicles, hence the nickname. I mean when he wears boardshorts, it looks as if someone has placed two large grapefruits down there.

With this early cast of characters it looks like we actually may have some entertaining surfer coming soon.

Stay tuned…