The Charlie Smith

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Also check Chas out at his home away from home @ LikeBitchinor here at Stab Magazine!

Editor’s note: Enjoy this tongue n cheek article on Charlie Smith. However, please understand that all jokes aside, Chas is an incredible writer! A writer that does surf!!!! Open your fuckin minds up and you just may learn something. If you don’t then you probably can’t because of your retardation. .

Charlie Smith: Deserves either a pat on the back or a kick in the nutsack?

Charlie Smith is reminiscent of a sort of Rush Limbaugh with a hair fetish and a love of Pina Coladas along with an assortment of more potent potables. He is a self proclaimed prophet of the internet whose poisoned keyboard takes aim at those who at the very least have pissed him off, at the worst have done grievous damage to his cherished locks and who shall pay for their miscreant behavior.

Somewhere in between are the unsuspecting politicians leaping from scandal to scandalous in the guise of service to ones country and the tanked up sports figures that draw Charlie’s attention to their amplified salaries, Disneylandesque legal tribulations and heavily financed love triangles. Darwin even made the short list.

Lover of the ladies, he meets and greets those of the fairer sex with slow in your face dances and impromptu wet French kisses. Charlie is suddenly amazed at the change in his body contour just below his belt buckle. Smith’s solution? Buddy up to the bar, order a shot of something wild and wicked and replay the entire scene in slow motion with the next female that tickles his fancy. Act astounded when that amazingly resilient sub naval contour shows no signs of receding. Fuck Chas, haven’t you figured out yet that in the human male there is a direct pathway between the brain and the boys that takes no prisoners?

Vladimir Nabokov

While Smith wastes precious time trying to translate Nabokov into Arabic to impress young Yemen women, I am living the lives of Earnest Hemmingway, Hunter Thompson and Thomas Pynchon. Seeking and conquering life’s greatest adventures.

I have heard that Smith is so particular about his cologne that he makes his own. A finely ground mixture of tamarind, curry and sun dried vanilla bean with which he mixes with 25 year old scotch. Just give me a bottle of Stetson.

Charlie would rather drift along a 45ft Morgan Sailing Yacht while letting the breeze blow through his golden mane. Myself, I would much rather be running wide open through the rivers of Laos, Vietnam in a RHIB with Richard Marcinko for a series of Soldier of Fortune articles.

In spite of consistent contour concerns, he is not shy, this purveyor of the acerbic. World traveler extraordinaire, this eclectic wanderer scours the globe for his next victim, um, subject, but much prefers the dry deserts of California and Arabia as they play less havoc with his screaming yellow tresses. Even water challenged Yemen was preferable to the hair body killing heat and humidity of Hawaii.

My own wavy brown locks have no problem surviving in Hawaii’s fragrant climate, if anything, they become even more voluminous. Nope, no silly yellow anti-macho mane for me. I can prowl the jungles, deserts or shorelines with the best of them and still have a full head of awesomeness swirling in the breeze. I’m just a wash and go man.

Perhaps it is this fucking obsession with color that keeps Charlie from seeing the real picture. He is a talented writer, but more often than not he is more obsessed with the color of ink in his Mont Blanc than in covering a mainstream news event. Why, between comparing shades of Clairol and color coding his Astor and Black suits he missed the Florida election debacle entirely. Instead he was sucking down Russian Vodka in a back street bar tracking down the latest gossip on the breeding of high speed racing turtles.

Now me, give me a splash of Jack Daniels on the rocks, maybe even leave the bottle and let me sniff out the real news stories. The Florida gambit certainly got my attention, but I was halfway around the world playing mah-jong with the mayor of Tokyo at the time. I let him win, I’m such a sport. He really liked my hair by the way. But when he pulled out the scissors I realized it was time I head back to the English speaking world. There are some things far more important than diplomatic relations.

You can follow Chas on twitter @thecharliesmith.

Charlie Smith & Jamie O'Brien

It was also recently announced that Charlie is going to team up with World Class Surfer Jamie O’Brien on smithandobrien.com. Stay Tuned!

-R.Steele